Dear body,
I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t know what happened to you after the delivery of our beautiful baby girl, and neither do the doctors. From the doctors saying, “this is your healthiest pregnancy out of the 4” to “Christine we just don’t know what’s happening to you” after 6 weeks feels like a blow some days.
Walking 3 mph on the treadmill feels like a marathon now. Walking up the steps without pain or dropping is a huge success right now. Getting through one day without immense pain and confusion is scarce.
Dear heart, mind, skin, muscles, bones, joints, glands, and brain, what happened? Can there be so many unknowns? Is it possible for me to be in an entirely different body possible? Can doctors really not know what happened after the best delivery of my 4 children? I feel defeated, lost, and like my body is just quitting; it feels like I can’t escape.
Dear God, you’re never-changing. No matter the season, the time, the emotion, you are constant. No matter the level of energy or bodily function, you give enough breath and energy for the day. Thank you. Please help me to remember you first before any physical condition here on earth. Please give clarity to my mind when all is foggy. Please give relief to my body when it feels done.
Dear God, thank you for the way you answered dozens of prayers we’ve prayed over the course of this pregnancy. Thank you that May 20 was one of the most beautiful days of my existence. Thank you for the clarity of mind and heart you gave me during labor and delivery. Thank you for your presence—more real than I’ve ever felt and the way you allowed my baby girl to enter this world. Thank you for all you gave me that I didn’t deserve.
Please help me to never forget May 20, when these 6 weeks have been a constant battle for every part of my body, my heart, my mind, and my Hope in You. Please help me daily surrender to You, no matter the circumstance. Please keep me close, when my earthly state forcefully attempts to pull away.
Love, Christine